Cinderella wants to go to the ball,
but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden,
her fairy godmother appears, and promises
to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied."Where have you been?"
demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took
care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter,
something or other...."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would
sometimes complain about splinters when they
were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went
to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw
Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and
asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio
replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through
the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf
jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a
sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to
screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached
into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44
magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No
you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it
says in the book!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce
court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy,
I said she's f*cking Goofy."
Jesus is watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He looked around the house
with his flashlight looking for valuables, and when he picked up a
CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed
from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked
the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as
he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" asked the startled burglar.
The parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name
a parrot Moses?"
The bird answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name
a rottweiller Jesus."
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 4 year old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the helloff now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. May I remind you that there is no smoking on this train."We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."